Astonishing Forgiveness

This is day four of Astonishing Forgiveness, and our hope is that as we’ve opened up the scriptures to understand more about this topic, your heart has been softened not only to others but also to yourself. So, today we want to dive into what it looks like when you’re the one who needs to apologize to someone. But first, let’s look at the story of Peter denying Jesus in Luke 22.

Peter replied, “Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Just as he was speaking, the rooster crowed. The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.

Luke 22:60-62

When Peter denied Jesus, he felt immense shame and wept bitterly to himself.

Have you ever… 

Betrayed a friend? 

Talked badly about a coworker?

Raised your voice to a family member?

When you’ve sinned against someone, you may be tempted to wallow in self-pity and despair as Peter did. It may seem as if this harsh response is a good thing, as if we can repay the person we hurt or God himself by showing immense cruelty ourselves as punishment. 

But we aren’t meant to experience deep shame when we sin; we’re called to repent to God, confess our sins to one another, and turn away. 

If you’ve hurt someone, as we all have, we would encourage you to consider apologizing. To make this super practical, here are a few things to keep top of mind when apologizing to someone:

1. Take responsibility for your actions using specificity. 

This may seem obvious, but have you ever had someone apologize to you for how you feel rather than for what they actually did? For example, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” If you’ve ever received this kind of apology, you most likely found it frustrating.

A direct apology that states exactly what you did provides clarity and affirms the other person by acknowledging how your actions may have affected them. A couple of good examples of this would be, “I’m sorry for being unkind and impatient on Friday,” or “I’m sorry I didn’t show up for you at this event.” 

2. Know that it’s never too late to apologize. 

You may think that enough time has passed, and an apology would be awkward or unnecessary. But if you’re unhappy with the way that you treated someone or about something you did, it’s not too late, and now is the perfect time to reach out.

3. Don’t go in expecting that you will receive an apology in return. 

Maybe in your situation, you aren’t the only guilty party. Oftentimes, you won’t be. But when you decide to apologize, work to not adopt the mentality that the other person owes you an apology too; you aren’t responsible for someone else’s conscience, and the point of apologizing isn’t to receive an apology in response.

4. Understand that apologizing doesn’t guarantee reconciliation. You may apologize and expect everything to go back the way it was with someone, but depending on the situation, the other person you are apologizing to may need to have boundaries with you. When you go in with a pure heart of just wanting the other person to know that you are truly sorry for how you treated them, you must also let go of any expectation that they have to respond a certain way and respect the distance they may choose to keep you at.

Apologizing to someone you hurt may feel embarrassing or uncomfortable, but the freedom that comes with taking responsibility for your actions is unmatched. We may not be able to control how someone responds to our apology, but we are not here to please man.

We can rest assured that God is pleased when we put another person's feelings before our own and when our intentions are pure.

Being a believer is not about self-righteousness; we can trust that God is the best judge and that He will right every wrong. But if we truly want to be Christlike, humility and self-denial are necessary tenants of our faith.

Father, remove any shame or self-hatred that may be taking residence in my heart about how I have fallen short and sinned against others. You have called me to a life of abundance and freedom, so help me to walk in this rather than imprisoning myself in a cell of despair so that I can forgive myself and apologize to others as a result. Amen.