Emily Gross

Children often lean towards exclusivity at different stages and for various reasons. It starts with preschoolers saying who can or can’t sit with them at their little tables; then, it becomes playground clubs in elementary school. Middle and high school can bring a constant pull to jockey for position, to be invited to the event, or to be added to the group chat.  As parents entrusted with pointing their children in the way of Jesus, we want to call them to more. We want to cultivate includers.  Most exclusion is rooted in insecurity, and a scarcity mindset, a feeling as if there is a finite and tenuous amount of space in a friend group, and one more person added might jeopardize someone else’s spot. As believers, though, we know that the way of Jesus is not one of insecurity and scarcity; the way of Jesus is one of abundant love and a firm foundation. Therefore, be imitators of God, as dearly loved children, and walk in love, as Christ also loved us and gave himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God. Ephesians 5:1-2 (CSB) Dallas Willard defines love as “the genuine inner readiness and longing to secure the good of others.” Here are a few ways we can cultivate a spirit of inclusion in our children, encouraging them toward the way of love:  Remind our children of their belovedness. They are not adrift in the “social sea,” tossed back and forth by the whims of other children. They are beloved children of God, anchored in the hope of the gospel and the presence of their King. They are fearfully and wonderfully made, with an identity and future determined by the God who loves them more than they can imagine. They can have the confidence to be kind and include a friend. Encourage our children to keep their eyes up. While our children’s natural gaze might trend more toward themselves, we can encourage them towards empathy, looking up and out for who needs to be included. This can look like a simple invitation to hang out or asking someone what they did that weekend. If your child is the one feeling left out, they may also need to be encouraged to look around. They are likely not alone. Children’s relationships can be fluid. Disruption in friendship with one child may create an opportunity to get to know a new friend.Make home a safe harbor. Hard seasons in friendships might be the time to choose your parenting battles wisely. Our children are encountering a whole world outside our four walls. They might just need to come home to safe acceptance and grace. Parents, remember we are not parenting alone as we help our children navigate these growing-up years. Not only do you have the community of our church family, but our Heavenly Father is with us and will give us everything we need to raise our children. James 1:5 (NIV) tells us that when seeking wisdom, we should “ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” We can anchor in the beautiful truth from 1 Thessalonians 5:24 (ESV) that “He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.”

Thanksgiving is coming, and I can picture it now—the table is set, the candles are lit, and our favorite dishes filled with nostalgia are sitting on the table. I can already smell my Aunt Nancy’s sweet potato casserole baking with roasted marshmallows on top, and my mom’s cranberry sauce simmering on the stove with brown sugar and freshly squeezed lemon. Just as that special meal is created with care and purpose, we as parents also have an opportunity to intentionally orient the heartbeat of our homes towards thankfulness. The muscles we strengthen as we curate a culture of gratitude in our families have the potential to inform the rhythms of our hearts all year long. Jesus created us to be the parents entrusted to our particular children and the primary influence in their lives. Our children are watching us and absorbing family culture all the time. As we look at the ages, stages, and schedules of our families, we may wonder when we will have opportunities to be intentional influencers and how we can infuse a culture of thanksgiving amid our daily rhythms. God’s Word elevates the importance and beauty of small everyday moments in Deuteronomy 6:7 when God, through Moses, says, “Impress [these commandments] on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” We, as parents, can take the everyday moments God gives us with our children, and be faithful where we’re at. Whether that takes place at the breakfast table, in the school carline, or while we’re pushing our child on the swing, there are pockets of opportunities to practice thankfulness. Cultivating a culture of thankfulness in our homes begins with looking for the gifts of God all around us, then making connections from those gifts to who God is and who we are in Him. “But be sure to fear the Lord and serve Him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things He has done for you.” [emphasis added] 1 Samuel 14:24 When our girls were in elementary school, their Bible study had a tradition every November that postured their hearts toward thankfulness. We talked about always wanting to have eyes to see and savor the gifts of God in our lives, so the girls would pass around silly sunglasses we called “gratitude glasses” and take turns wearing them and saying something they were grateful for. Whether your family passes around your own “gratitude glasses” or incorporates a different gratitude practice, here are a few practical suggestions to get you thinking about how you might cultivate thankfulness into your family rhythms: As you play outside, remind your children to thank God for the fall leaves and how they remind us that God loves us so much that He created this beautiful world.As you drive to school or baseball or ballet, you can encourage them to thank God for the opportunity to play and learn something new.On the way to the park, you can talk about thanking God for good friends and the kindness of Jesus in giving us buddies to play with.When you’re getting ready for the day, you can invite them to thank God for His faithfulness, that He would allow the sun to rise again.In the hard moments, you can teach them to thank God that He never leaves us and always takes care of us. When our children (or us, as parents) begin to lean towards entitlement or discontent, we can take those teachable moments to re-root our children in the truth of Who God is and who we are in Him. Studies show that the most joyful people are not those with a life devoid of trials or even those more naturally inclined to positivity. The people who experience the most joy in their lives are those who choose to look for opportunities for thankfulness. As parents of older children, we’ve seen that it’s not the big moments of life that cultivate the most joy, but often it’s the infusing of thankfulness and gratitude into the everyday moments of life through which God produces joyfulness in our daughters. Ultimately, we as parents have the privilege of pointing our children’s hearts to Jesus over and over. When we have a glimpse of the abounding love and grace of Jesus, of who He is and who we are as His children, our response is worship and thanksgiving. As we anticipate the coming holiday season, let’s create a culture of thankfulness and join with the psalmist as he says, “The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.” Psalm 28:7

As parents, we want our homes to be a place where our children feel comfortable asking us anything and talking about everything. We also want our children to know they have permission to feel whatever they need to. Children feel secure when they know they are not the strongest force in the room and that you, as the parent, are a safe place for them to process what’s going on in their hearts.  The world’s voice is loud, but we can remind our children that our Heavenly Father’s voice is stronger. Hebrew 4:16 encourages us this way, “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” As you and your Church family together point your children to Jesus, we pray they will come to Him with their feelings and entrust their hearts into His faithful hands.  To help our children understand and navigate what’s going on in their hearts and minds, it’s helpful for them to be able to learn to name their feelings, understand the “why” behind their feelings, and know what to do with their feelings.  For our children to properly express their hearts, they must first expand their feelings vocabulary. We can teach those words as we go about everyday life—when we’re asking about a school day or a playdate or when we’re getting to the root of what caused an argument between siblings. Feelings charts are also an excellent resource to keep in the car or the kitchen for easy access to help connect outward expressions of inward experience.  At times, the feelings part of a child’s brain does not work together with the thinking part of their brain, often leading to a variation of a tantrum. That outburst tells us we need to help them regulate their feelings by engaging their thinking brain and their feelings brain properly. Here are a few ideas for ways to help children reset and regulate their brains:  Take a few deep breaths.Do jumping jacks.Go take a break in their room; this is not necessarily a time out, but a way for them to cool down.Ask them an off-subject question can distract from feelings and engage the cognitive part of the child’s brain. Once the moment has de-escalated, circle back to listen to your child. Repeat what you heard your child say to you, “What I am hearing you say is…” When you feel like you have a good grasp on what’s happening in your child’s heart, sometimes you can share a perspective that changes their outlook. Some feelings can be based on misunderstandings, and you may be able to help your child see a truth that shifts how they feel.  If hurtful words or actions erupted in the midst of the outburst, there may be some restoration needed with a sibling or friend. Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” As we remind children of how their words have the power of death, we can simultaneously speak life into the character of our children, calling them to more with statements such as, “You are kind, but those words were not very kind. Let’s try saying that again.” Sometimes our child’s behavior indicates something bigger going on in their heart. This is a good moment to get one-on-one time to check in with your child, even while driving in the car, walking, or swinging on swings together. Create space for anything that is troubling your child to bubble to the surface as you ask simple questions that can lead to more conversation, such as: What is something that made you smile today?What is something that was hard today?What is something you are proud of that you did today?Who did you play with on the playground? Sometimes our children just need to feel connected and heard. Other times they just need a hug, a nap, or a snack.  We are God’s ambassadors (2 Corinthians 5:20) to our children, representing him and pointing our children back to him. From this objective posture, we do not need to ride an emotional rollercoaster with our children. Instead, we can remain rooted in the steadfast grace of Jesus, asking Him for insight as we raise our children.  Ultimately, we want our children to learn that feelings are good and that God gave us feelings. Children can be safe to learn and grow within the good and reliable boundaries of our home. Our children are loved unconditionally by you and Jesus, and nothing they can say or do can change their status as accepted and beloved.

One of the best gifts we can give our children is to anchor them in the truth that Scripture is reliable and relevant to their lives. One of these anchoring truths is learning about the fruit of the Spirit. Depending on the age of your child, you may begin by explaining that the fruit of the Spirit is a different kind of fruit, not like apples or bananas. The fruit of the Spirit are gifts that God gives us as we become more like Him, helping us live lives that please God, lives that show His love and who He is to others. Just like fruit grows from being connected to a vine, we grow in the fruit of the Spirit when we are connected to the Holy Spirit through putting our faith in Jesus. As our faith grows, our fruit will grow.  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Galatians 5:22-23 When we talk with our children about showing love, we talk about treating others the way we want to be treated. In Mark 12:31, Jesus says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” We want our children to learn that love is caring for the good of others and doing what is best for others. We were made to love God and love others. Joy is gladness in our hearts that doesn’t change on sad or happy days. When we trust in Jesus, joy roots down deep in our hearts. It stays in our hearts even when we lose a game or have a hard day in school. If our joy is ever feeling small, we can ask Jesus to help us remember our reasons for having joy. When we think about everything we can thank Jesus for, joy grows in our hearts. Peace is when our hearts are calm and not worrying. In John 14:27, Jesus says, “I give my peace to you… Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” We want our children to learn that when we feel worries rise up in our hearts, we can give them to Jesus, and in return, He will give us peace. Our hope is for our children to know that Jesus is more powerful than anything and that nothing is too hard for Him. He loves us more than we can imagine, and He will always take the best care of us. In Jesus, we can have peace in our hearts, despite our circumstances.  We describe patience as waiting with a joyful heart. Patience remembers that even when our plans are not how or when we want, we can understand and know that God loves us and He is in charge. The story of Joseph in Genesis 37-50 from the Jesus Storybook Bible is helpful to read as a family as you discuss patience and trust in God’s plans and timing. When children learn patience in waiting for a snack or not being upset when a younger sibling wrecks a Lego creation, they are building muscles they will use to trust God’s story and His timing throughout their lives.  We show kindness when we show love and compassion for others, caring about their needs more than our own, and looking for ways to be thoughtful friends. We can encourage our children that it is not always easy to be kind, but we can ask Jesus to help us to grow in kindness. Jesus always hears us when we pray, and He will always be our helper.  We show goodness when we do what is right, even when no one is watching. The story of the Good Samaritan found in Luke 10 shows us that goodness sometimes means stopping our own plans to be a helper to someone else. Our goodness does not come from ourselves but from Jesus. Jesus is the only One who is always good, all the time.  Faithfulness is being dependable and trustworthy toward God and others. We see peacefulness and strength in faithful people. They trust God and do the right thing, even when it’s hard. Faithful friends feel like safe friends who we can trust and who always want the best for us. We want to have faithful friends and be faithful friends.  Gentleness is being strong enough to show tender kindness and care, even when it’s hard. Just as we talk about using our gentle hands or gentle voices around babies or puppies, we want to use tender kindness in the way we treat the hearts of others. We want our children to be strong and humble enough to respond gently when a friend hurts their feelings. When we’re gentle, other people feel safe and cared for around us.  Self-control chooses to act, speak, and respond as God tells us to, even when it’s hard. Children often long for something to be in charge of. We can teach self-control as a way for them to be in charge of their feelings, with the help of Jesus. When notice our children exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit, call it out and celebrate those moments. When we’re working on an area in particular with one of our children, choose a fruit to focus on, celebrating as your children grow and showing grace for the journey.  As we shepherd our children through growing in the fruit of the Spirit, Jesus is kind to be our own perfect Heavenly Father, lovingly showing us where we need to grow as well, equipping us with everything we need to raise the children He has entrusted to us.