In a culture of isolation and surface-level acquaintances, we are called to pursue deep and biblical friendships that reflect God. This talk from Grant Partrick unpacks five marks of godly friendship from the book of Proverbs, offering encouragement and challenge for cultivating relationships rooted in truth and love.
Key Takeaway
Biblical friendship challenges shallow connections and invites believers to pursue gospel-centered relationships marked by consistency, honesty, and spiritual strength.
Friendship has become a list of shallow, surface-level acquaintances, but we were made for deep, rich, and meaningful relationships. Our souls long for friends we can count on.
We are in the most isolated time in history. The devices we hold in our hands have made us the most connected generation, but also the loneliest.
The ache of the human heart is to be fully known and deeply loved. The heaviest part of the human body is the part that has never been fully exposed.
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” — Tim Keller
We are made for community. We are made in the image of a triune God—one God, three persons. Our God is tri-personal—a community in and of himself.
We’ve needed community since the beginning.
In Genesis 2, God lists the many good things He created, until He gets to verse 18.
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.”
Genesis 2:18
The ache of loneliness was not the result of sin. The desire for friendship and companionship was part of Adam’s perfection. And it is part of us, too.
Sin wasn’t the first problem in the garden; solitude was. The garden was perfect, yet Adam couldn’t fully enjoy it without friendship.
If you’re lonely (statistically, many of us are), you are not weak or dysfunctional. Your heart aches in loneliness because you were built to live in community.
“The less you want friends, the less like God you are.” – Tim Keller
Read Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.
Friendships propel us, pick us up when we are shattered and broken down, and preserve and protect us.
“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
— CS Lewis, The Four Loves
With all of this in mind, it’s essential to address what to look for in a friend and what kind of friend we should be to others.
Proverbs says you will not be wise unless you are skilled at finding, developing, and keeping good friends.
Read Proverbs 12:26.
Our friendships have the power to influence our development and our direction. We become like those we surround ourselves with. Jeff Henderson said it this way, “The people you listen to are a preview of the future you.”
If you don’t want to drift to the right or left...you’ll need some friends to hold you accountable.
In Louie Giglio’s words, “Without accountability, I am a liability.”
Here are five marks of a true, biblical friendship from the book of Proverbs.
1. Constant
Read Proverbs 17:17.
Your siblings will show up because of their loyalty to the family, but they might not be your friends. While siblings are obligated by origin, friends care for you by choice.
2. Connection
There is common ground on which the friendship can be built. Genuine friendship can’t be forced.
Read 1 Samuel 20:42
“That is why those pathetic people who simply want friends can never make any. The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends. Where the truthful answer to the question do you see the same truth? Would be ‘I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth; I only want a friend’ no friendship can arise. There would be nothing for the friendship to be about. And friendship must be about something. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers.” – CS Lewis, The Four Loves
3. Candor
Read Proverbs 27:5-6, Proverbs 28:23, and Proverbs 29:5.
Honesty, not flattery, is a mark of genuine friendship.
Have you given anyone permission to call you upward? Building a life where nobody truly knows you is to simultaneously settle for less than your full potential. We can’t be all God has called us to be without the help of friendships.
Connection and candor must go together. It’s good to feel like you can be yourself around your friends, but it’s better if our connection and common ground is the cross. We should help each other to become more like Him through honesty.
4. Counsel
Read Proverbs 27:9 and Proverbs 13:20.
The counsel of wise friends will calibrate you to the truths of God’s word. They will remind you of what is true and share the truth more than they share their opinion. You need friends who discern when things don’t align or sound true.
The devil is a liar and a tempter. If you are by yourself, you’re no match for him.
You need friends who won’t only validate your feelings but who will remind you of the truth.
Read Hebrews 3:13.
5. Contend
Read Proverbs 18:24, 1 Samuel 23:15-16, Proverbs 25:19, Proverbs 16:28, and Philippians 2:5-11.
Do you have a friend who will help you find strength in God?
We can’t make it through life without hard times, and we can’t make it through hard times without friends.
Maybe you’ve encountered someone who wants to be included when things are going well but is unwilling to be inconvenienced when things get messy and complicated. That’s not a friend. That’s a user.
Seasons and storms, time and trials, have a way of revealing who our true friends are.
“The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together
Dr. Touissaint said, “You can tell how well a person is getting along with God by how they are getting along with people.”
The quality of your vertical relationship with God will determine the quality of your horizontal relationships.
Discussion Questions
- Why do you think our generation feels so lonely despite being constantly connected?
- How does the image of a triune God influence your view of friendship?
- What’s the difference between being known and being loved, and why do we need both?
- How have your friendships shaped your spiritual life?
- Which of the five marks of biblical friendship is most challenging for you to live out?
- How can we build connection and common ground in a culture that often avoids depth?
- Have you given anyone permission to speak with candor into your life?
- What’s the difference between biblical counsel and casual advice?
- Who in your life helps you find strength in God when you’re weak?
- How does your view of God impact the way you form and maintain friendships?
Scripture References
