Life + Love: Embracing God’s Design For Relationships
How to Date
Day 3
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2 Samuel 11
In the spring, at the time when kings go off to war, David sent Joab out with the king’s men and the whole Israelite army. They destroyed the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained in Jerusalem.
One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, “She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.” Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her. (Now she was purifying herself from her monthly uncleanness.) Then she went back home. The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, “I am pregnant.”
So David sent this word to Joab: “Send me Uriah the Hittite.” And Joab sent him to David. When Uriah came to him, David asked him how Joab was, how the soldiers were and how the war was going. Then David said to Uriah, “Go down to your house and wash your feet.” So Uriah left the palace, and a gift from the king was sent after him. But Uriah slept at the entrance to the palace with all his master’s servants and did not go down to his house.
David was told, “Uriah did not go home.” So he asked Uriah, “Haven’t you just come from a military campaign? Why didn’t you go home?”
Uriah said to David, “The ark and Israel and Judah are staying in tents, and my commander Joab and my lord’s men are camped in the open country. How could I go to my house to eat and drink and make love to my wife? As surely as you live, I will not do such a thing!”
Then David said to him, “Stay here one more day, and tomorrow I will send you back.” So Uriah remained in Jerusalem that day and the next. At David’s invitation, he ate and drank with him, and David made him drunk. But in the evening Uriah went out to sleep on his mat among his master’s servants; he did not go home.
In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it with Uriah. In it he wrote, “Put Uriah out in front where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die.”
So while Joab had the city under siege, he put Uriah at a place where he knew the strongest defenders were. When the men of the city came out and fought against Joab, some of the men in David’s army fell; moreover, Uriah the Hittite died.
Joab sent David a full account of the battle. He instructed the messenger: “When you have finished giving the king this account of the battle, the king’s anger may flare up, and he may ask you, ‘Why did you get so close to the city to fight? Didn’t you know they would shoot arrows from the wall? Who killed Abimelek son of Jerub-Besheth? Didn’t a woman drop an upper millstone on him from the wall, so that he died in Thebez? Why did you get so close to the wall?’ If he asks you this, then say to him, ‘Moreover, your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead.’”
The messenger set out, and when he arrived he told David everything Joab had sent him to say. The messenger said to David, “The men overpowered us and came out against us in the open, but we drove them back to the entrance of the city gate. Then the archers shot arrows at your servants from the wall, and some of the king’s men died. Moreover, your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead.”
David told the messenger, “Say this to Joab: ‘Don’t let this upset you; the sword devours one as well as another. Press the attack against the city and destroy it.’ Say this to encourage Joab.”
When Uriah’s wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him. After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.
Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
Luke 15:11-12
In addition to providing ideas for who to date, Genesis 24 also shows us principles for dating in a way that honors God.
- Start in the right place. If you’re going to date the right person in the right way, you’ve got to start by going to the right place. Nahor was Abraham’s brother, and Abraham sent his servant to Nahor’s town to search for a wife for Isaac. This makes sense, right? When it was time to choose a wife for Isaac, he sent his servant to the area with the highest concentration of believers. Yet today we don’t often make that explicit connection. If we’re looking for a man after God’s heart, we should go to places where men after God’s heart congregate. If we want a woman who prizes godly character, it follows that we should search for them in places where they might be found.
- Start with the right posture. Abraham’s servant humbly asked God for success in finding the right person. Notice at the beginning and the end of the prayer he invoked God’s “steadfast love,” “lovingkindness,” or “kindness.” These various words all translate the Hebrew word hesed, which refers to God’s loyal love, a major theme in the Old Testament. This love binds God to His people, promising not to let go. The servant rooted the search for a spouse in his understanding that God cherished and promised to be with His people. He was confident that God cared about this search because He knew God cared about His people.
- Strive for clarity. Initiate the dating relationship with clarity. Truthfully express your thoughts and intentions. Much of the anguish in modern dating could be alleviated if we mustered the courage to graciously tell each other what we think, how we feel, and what we’d like to do. Though it might feel easier in the moment to travel the path of ambiguity, establishing clarity serves both parties well. We can give each other the gift of freedom from anxiety simply by providing clarity. Simple statements like, “I’d like to get to know you. Could we go to dinner sometime?” help clarify relationships from the beginning. At the end of a date, asking, “Can I call you?” sets a clear expectation. If things aren’t working out, saying so gracefully lets the other person off the hook. No one likes being left in limbo.
- Watch and learn. Clarity is an ever-growing process, aided by time and observation. Because dating is primarily designed to allow you to determine whether the other person is the right fit, you should prioritize that period of your life. That priority is reflected in Genesis 24. Anybody can be charming for an hour on a first date. There’s nothing wrong with charm, but it doesn’t tell the whole story. We need time to learn whether character lies beneath it. We should watch; observe; and learn in multiple, varied environments. By starting in the right spot, praying honestly, seeking and offering clarity, and observing the other person in action, you can begin to date with wisdom and intentionality.