Jesus and Your Sex Life

The people of God all throughout history were not prudes about sex. What we're entertained by today is anemic compared to the love, joy, and fun that God created for us to enjoy.

In Song of Solomon, you read of the man describing his wife from head to toe in sincere adoration. In chapter 4, he says her breasts are like fawns. Why? Because you can't jump up on a deer and not scare it, he's speaking of being gentle and tender, moving slowly. He wants to get her away as he is completely captivated by his bride. It's not all erotic; it's a family closeness, a deep friendship that is so intimate that it blossoms into erotic love after they're married. He says her lips are like milk and honey. Those are two things that don't require death to consume. Her love is life to him. And she is just as in love with him. They thoroughly enjoy each other. Since they are in community, their friends encourage them to make the most of their love. That's what the Bible says about sex in the proper order, "drink and be drunk with love."

Proverbs 5:18-19 says to delight in your wife's breasts. Have some fun!

Proverbs 5:16 talks about the necessary boundaries that sex is best within.

Sexuality is pictured as a walled-in garden; lush, exotic, flowers, fruit, nourishing, exciting, and life-giving...but it's walled; it's secret, private, protected. The Bible views sexuality as life-giving, nourishing, and meant to be enjoyed within proper boundaries.

Jesus starts with a common boundary in Matthew 5:27: do not commit adultery. Most Americans agree that it is not okay to have sex with someone who is not your spouse. That is not what people find offensive. As soon as Jesus ties together Commandment 7 (remain faithful to your mate) and Commandment 10 (do not covet/lust), people feel Jesus has gone too far. But He paddles upstream to see where hurt and misuse start: lustful intent. What we see with our eyes goes straight to our hearts. What leads to our actions starts in our imaginations. Jesus challenges us not about our actions, but about our imaginations. Lust is the problem.

The Bible has a barrier around sexuality, and that is that it's within the covenant of marriage. Someone making a promise to love you and never leave you, to care about all of you, in sickness and in health, whatever may come, they want to commit to all of themselves to you. It is in this safety that sexuality is to be enjoyed.

Jesus is calling for the end of objectification, but we feel like it's a little too restrictive. This is where the sexual revolution has come in with devastating effects.

The proliferation of sexual imagery

*Most stats are from the Relationship in America Survey

• 84% of 14-18 yr old males and 57% of 14-18 yrs old females has seen porn. It is a common experience for minors to be viewing adults having sex.
• The top two pornographic websites have over 3 billion unique monthly visits each.
• Covenant Eyes found that households that view porn more were urban, increased presence of young people, had more undergraduate degrees, are well off financially, and have high social capital. (A lot like Washington DC)
• Porn generates 97 billion dollars annually worldwide. 12 billion is from the USA.
• "A young man in America today could see more naked women in 5 minutes than his grandfather could in his entire lifetime." -Commentator
• When asked, "When was the last time you intentionally looked at pornography?" 43% of men and 9% of women said: "in the last week". 24% of men said "yesterday" or "today".

The images that go from your eyes to your heart have proliferated exponentially in our lifetime, and there is a cost to it. Sex has become transactional and soulless. People have become objects to be used rather than people to be loved.

Regular porn use in a relationship lowers relationship satisfaction, quality, and experiences, increases negative communication, commits more infidelity, tends to see monogamy as unrealistic, and has lower self-esteem. It can also lead to religious doubt and a declining importance of religion.

An early sexual debut in a relationship is not a predictor of a strong relationship but of a weak one. Rather than sex being the expression of a covenant of love, it is an expectation with the possibility of love on the other side. It's become an anchor to try and will a relationship, rather than an expression of love.

God created sex for bonding. Sex releases hormones that promote bonding, yet when we remove it from people, it becomes isolating, keeping us from our relationship with God, others, and ourselves. Rather than lying in bed with someone who loves us through the highs and the lows of life, we're lying in bed on our phones with people we don't know.

Our "liberty" has brought about bondage. The call now from all the studies is for restraint. Jesus isn't being a killjoy. He knows that if you glut the eye with imagery, it fills the imagination, and everyone loses downstream. What Jesus is saying isn't a restriction; it's a liberty. The eyes inform the heart. See Job 31:1,7. Imagination is a gift from God, but when we allow our imagination to get filled with distorted images, we get a distorted imagination. There is liberty in restraint. Intent matters. Jesus cares what is going on inside your heart.

Practice

Restraint is our liberty. You need to get way more radical about getting it out of your life. Sex is good. The devil has distorted it. Get the distortion out. Cut off the moment your eyes have access to material that's affecting your heart. Use wisdom and know your own cues. Eliminate the cue to stop the craving that gives only shame as a reward. Be aware of what you're allowing into your life.

Jesus is not trying to bury you in shame. He's trying to set you free by setting up this boundary. The grace of God is too good for you to be filled with shame.

Remember, blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven; blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Admit that you are spiritually bankrupt, you are sad about it, and enter with humility, knowing you don't have it all together. God will meet you with grace, kindness, and love.