Define the Relationship

This conversation about sex is crucial because it's been confusing. Some of it has been shameful, experienced as false advertising, or even seen as nothing to take seriously.

But it should be taken seriously. Asking what's the big deal about sex is like asking what's the big deal about a ship on dry land. It's not the best place for the ship, but it doesn't make the ship itself defective. It's not designed to be there, but when it's where it's designed to be, in the water, it can bring glory to its creator.

God has designed and gifted us with sex and it is best enjoyed in the way that God designed it so that God is glorified.

Sex has been recognized as a good gift that God has given, but humanity has, like with all great gifts, used it grotesquely outside of the way that it was designed.

When it comes down to it, God has hardwired us with a desire and fascination with sex. If we're being gut-level honest, there has been a little bit of distortion and flippancy with sex.

What does God say about it? How has it been designed for our flourishing? It's designed to be between one man and one woman in the context of the covenant of marriage. However, especially in a digital age, for most of us, our first sexual experience was not or will not be on our wedding night with our spouse. According to Barna Research, 71% of young adults come across porn 1-2 times a month and 54% are seeking it out at least that much. 50% of teens are having sex by age 18 and 70% by the age of 20 according to the National Longitudinal Study. Porn has been our university and hook-up culture is giving us jobs we are not qualified for.

All ground is level at the foot of the Cross, so this isn't about shaming. This is simply us recognizing that most of us are starting out in sexual brokenness. God wants something better for you.

It's like taking your dog outside on the leash to walk to the dog park. If the dog is not leashed, it might run off and get hit, it could get attacked by another dog, etc. He is most free, safe, and cared for on the leash with the person who loves him the most. Once they get to the dog park and inside the fence, the leash can be removed and the dog can run wild, having a blast within the confines of the boundaries of the fence. Freedom is found inside the boundary, not outside of it. The same principle applies to sex.

God is not some sexual cosmic killjoy that never wants you to experience sex. He wants to give you the gift and glory of knowing Him within that gift. He's actually very pro-sex, but He's pro-sex in the context of letting you off the leash in the right setting, so you're in the right space that is fun and where you can flourish and be safe.

In Genesis 1:28 God gave the command for sex. Be fruitful and multiply. Yes, reproduction is one of the primary functions of sex, but it's not its only function. Proverbs 5:18-19 tells a man to be satisfied with his wife's breasts all the days of his life. That's for fun! Take pleasure and enjoy it! But these verses are talking about one man and one woman in the context of marriage. Proverbs 5 is a chapter where a father is sharing wisdom with his son and he ends it by asking why would he ever consider a stranger, it's forbidden. In other words, don't take something from someone who is out of your orbit. Proverbs 5:22-23 displays that sex within marriage is experienced and enjoyed; this can happen outside of the covenant of marriage as well, but it will entangle you.

Enjoyment - Commitment = Entanglement

It causes a rise of insecurity because you're giving all of who you are, not just your body, to someone and you don't have the promise of receiving that in return. Commitment is what we are longing for. You can't leave a commitment of a marriage as easily as a dating relationship. Spiritually and legally, they're not even close to the same thing. God is serious about us delighting in our sex lives, but He's also serious about the boundaries it's supposed to be delighted within.

God is not in the business of keeping you inside the boundaries that keep you from flourishing. God is committed to setting up boundaries for your flourishing.

Sex is like fire. If it's kept within the confines of a campfire, it does a lot of things to bring life to that campsite. As soon as you take the fire out of that, it will start a wildfire and destroy everything around.

We are all screaming about the good of sexual liberation and freedom, but no one is talking about the devastation it's causing. The American Psychology Association found that 78% of women and 72% of men were regretful after casual sex and desire for more stable romantic relationships. Psychology Today found more people experience more depressive symptoms and loneliness after participating in casual sex than before. Casual sex and hook-up culture are bringing a better guarantee of long-term shame than short-term satisfaction.

Paul is addressing a young Church in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7. They are having to learn how to walk in Christ when the culture is pushing them to do the opposite. They were living in a sexual free-for-all.

1 Thessalonians 4:3. You recognize that you are saved and are being sanctified. We are empowered by the power of the Spirit so we can battle in the struggle against sin.

Paul is not doing what the Church has done to many of us..."Don't have sex. It's bad. It's evil. You have it, you die." In these verses, we see the kindness of God. He's saying I want you to turn from a broken thing to a better thing. Abstain from sexual immorality. Abstain means you're dissociating from something and placing distance between you and something. Sexual immortality is "pornea" in Greek meaning any kind of sexual activity outside the covenant of a man and a woman in marriage. The question isn't, "How far can I push these boundaries?" it's, "How pure can you be and control yourself in holiness and honor?"

So, we abstain from sexual immortality and aim towards holiness and control. This includes cohabitation. It's like jumping on a diving board but refusing to jump in with someone. Once the couple does decide to get married, they are less satisfied and end up divorcing because they had reservations about marriage to begin with and do not know how to work through problems. These couples tend to be nonreligious, whereas religious couples that wait to move in together until after marriage tend to be more satisfied and work through the struggles of marriage.

We are not objects to be "tried out" before we commit. Sometimes we can get far more focused on the features, not the fruit. Good marriages and a good sex life are less likely to be found in a six-pack and much more likely to be found in someone with self-control and a clean search history. What we are living in today is we have taken the physical part of sex and said that it is primary and we've taken all the emotional and spiritual aspects out of it. We have become consumers of people rather than cultivators of people. Sex outside the covenant of marriage depreciates in value immediately but within the covenant, it appreciates in value over time because you get to know the person you're engaging with and who God has brought you to.

1 Thessalonians 4:4-5. Those who don't know God don't know His design. But those of us who do know God, we know the design. So we control our bodies in holiness and honor. Holiness is being set apart and honor means we see the worth in ourselves and in another person. The most honoring thing you can do for another is to say you will wait for them and follow God's design. God has wired us to bond with someone through sex.

1 Thessalonians 4:4-7. God is saying to stop stepping over the boundaries He put in place for our flourishing and stop taking from someone what doesn't belong to you."