Talk

Conflict

Ben Stuart
October 9, 2022

Relationships will constantly drift away from intimacy and towards isolation, but the fear of conflict drives many of us to inaction. How can we overcome our fear and intentionally work to cultivate healthy relationships? Ben Stuart continues our series through Song of Solomon and explores the ways that a healthy approach to conflict can actually strengthen our relational bonds.

Key Takeaway

Conflict doesn't have to be what ruins your relationship. If both parties commit to responding well, the conflict can actually lead to greater and deeper intimacy.

We tend to flow towards isolation.

It takes intentionality to work towards intimacy. We have watched this couple experience the spark of attraction, navigate the confusing thrill of courtship, and consummate their marriage, and now we're going to watch them deal with conflict.

Many millennials are getting married later because they view marriage as a capstone (something to achieve) instead of a cornerstone (a foundation). This is because of the rise of individualism and materialism. Individualism focuses on self-actualization, what I like, what I want, and my career; I have to be me before I can introduce anyone. I have to establish my career and be financially stable so I can maintain the standard of living I grew accustomed to at my parents' house.

A lot of people delay marriage because of fear. They think, "I'm delaying marriage to do me because afraid that if I bind my life together with someone, it may cost me more than it gives me."

Relationships are not in a steady state, so when you hit conflict, you'll either spring apart or if you hold hands, you can move through it together and arrive at deeper intimacy. Conflict brings the possibility of deeper communication and deeper trust.

When it comes to Song of Solomon 5:2-6:13, scholars differ on what this passage is. Is it actual events, or is it a metaphor? We will focus on the main emphasis from a conservative interpretive approach.

Song of Solomon 5:2-3

The man wants intimacy. She wants to rest. They've miscommunicated. They each have desires that are going in opposite directions. A misalignment of desires will lead to miscommunication, disconnection, and tension in marriage.

The 5 greatest sources of conflict...

  1. In-laws- expectations of the other family.
  2. Money- what's the value system on spending? What's essential, and what's optional?
  3. Roles- who does what? You each have a different standard of what's "done."
  4. Kids- how many? When? Is anyone staying home? Public or private school? How to discipline?
  5. Communication- can we process how we feel? Can we navigate our expectations?

Song of Solomon 5:4-5

He takes expensive anointing oil and puts it on the very place of his offense. Instead of retaliation and blowing up, he blesses where he's been wounded. And he does it extravagantly.

Refuse to retaliate. When we're bruised, we bless. You don't repay. See 1 Peter 3:9-12. Why does God honor that? Because that's what He does with us every day. See Matthew 5:44-45 and Romans 2:4. It's God's kindness that leads us to repentance. You win through kindness.

If you fight fire with fire, you'll burn your house down. Don't escalate and insult back; that's foolish. See Proverbs 26:21, 14:1, 10:12, 15:17-18, 21:9, 29:22-23. The way you dissolve conflict is with kindness. Don't wait until you think they deserve it. God didn't do that with us. You go first.

Song of Solomon 5:6

She responded to him, but he was gone. She realizes there's an emotional disconnect, and she doesn't like it.

Seek reconciliation to put on friendly terms again. She doesn't tolerate the disconnect. She deals with the resentment early. It takes humility. Pride has no place in a marriage. If you can't apologize, don't get married. You're goal should never be to win the argument. It's for intimacy and unity, to win the other person. Never storm out. Take a moment if you need it, but don't take a month. Silent treatment is childish, while body language is loud

Song of Solomon 5:7

This is a confusing part. In the previous passages with the watchmen, they were her conscience. So the idea is that her conscience is pricked by the thought that she hurt him. In the uncertainty of the disconnect and how to solve it, she asks for help.

Song of Solomon 5:8

She looks to her friends for help. That's a smart thing to do when your marriage is struggling. Reach out to those in your life who love you and will be honest with you.

Song of Solomon 5:9

They want to know why they should help her with her beloved and challenge her to tell them the reasons. She takes on the challenge and explains why he is better than all the other men.

Song of Solomon 5:10

She focuses on his good qualities. She describes him head to toe. He's noble, his hair is youthful, he's strong. The doves in a milk bath represent a nourishing gentleness. He's not angry. She feels safe with him. He's strong but not harsh. He smells good. He's in shape. He's an oak of a human being, rooted, grounded, and strong. What she's saying isn't sexual, but it's deeply respectful. He's strong and loving. Ladies: communicate this to your husband. Never shame him publicly, it's so wounding and shaming. Even in the disconnect, find a way to honor.

Men: never yell at your wife.

Recall what you respect. When you're offended, it's easy to focus on every defect. Remember what you love about them. The lie from the enemy is that as flaws start to rise about your spouse, you'll be tempted to fantasize about the "perfect" other. There are no perfect people. When you're offended, you'll highlight their inadequacy and downplay their virtues. When you're frustrated, don't amend the data just to make yourself the victim.

Song of Solomon 6:1

The friends are willing to help.

Song of Solomon 6:2

She already knows where he is. The garden is a metaphor for their love and intimacy. He didn't bail on her. He's working back toward reconciliation as well. They both have a commitment to resolve the conflict together.

Song of Solomon 6:3

She repeats they they belong to each other.

Respond to each other and reiterate their devotion. They chose and still choose each other.

Song of Solomon 6:4

Pronouns change from "her" to "you." Now they are talking to each other. When they're hurt, they don't run off. They move towards each other. She moves to reconcile, and He's in the garden trying to work it out. When they start to talk it out, they're not harsh. Instead, they reiterate their devotion. He says she's the best there is. He assures her he is with her he's not going to abandon her.

Men: emotional security is very important to women.

Song of Solomon 6:5-7

He's overwhelmed by her eyes because he feels vulnerable, but he repeats the poem from their wedding night. He's saying that everything he loved about her in their young love, he loves about her now. Even though we're in the midst of conflict, I still choose you. My devotion hasn't changed.

Song of Solomon 6:8-9

He describes the archetype of all the women and assures her that she's better than all of them and all he wants. He's not seeking other women when they are struggling. When the well runs dry in the desert, you don't seek a different well; you dig deeper.

Song of Solomon 6:10

He honors her. When you don't retaliate, work to reconcile, and reiterate your devotion, you can overcome anything. Choosing, honoring, respecting, trusting...all will take you the distance. Practice saying, "This is what you said, this is what I heard, this is how it made me feel." It gets easier.

Song of Solomon 6:11-12

You can return afresh to rekindle your love.

Song of Solomon 6:13

We have found each other and want to be intimate again.

"Conflict brings the possibility of deeper communication and deeper trust."
Ben Stuart

Discussion Questions

  1. If you're married, how have you pulled yourself into isolation? If you're not married, how have you isolated away from friends and family?
  2. What are some reasons Millennials are waiting longer to get married if they marry at all?
  3. What are the two directions a couple will take when they face conflict?
  4. Of the 5 greatest sources of conflict in a marriage, which do you struggle with or do you think you will struggle with if you were married?
  5. How do you normally respond to conflict? Do you respond differently to your spouse than anyone else? Do you retaliate?
  6. Read Proverbs 26:21, 14:1, 10:12, 15:17-18, 21:9, 29:22-23. What is the wisdom that is being taught in these principles?
  7. As the woman seeks reconciliation, she avoids accepting the disconnect or resentment. What is absolutely necessary to be able to say if you are in any type of relationship?
  8. Do you have a group of friends or other couples that you can ask for help if you are struggling in your marriage?
  9. How common is it to highlight the inadequacies of a person while downplaying their virtues? How can you avoid doing this?
  10. How can recalling what you respect about someone completely change your perspective on them?

Scripture References

1Whoever remains stiff-necked after many rebukes

will suddenly be destroyed—without remedy.

2When the righteous thrive, the people rejoice;

when the wicked rule, the people groan.

3A man who loves wisdom brings joy to his father,

but a companion of prostitutes squanders his wealth.

4By justice a king gives a country stability,

but those who are greedy for bribes tear it down.

5Those who flatter their neighbors

are spreading nets for their feet.

6Evildoers are snared by their own sin,

but the righteous shout for joy and are glad.

7The righteous care about justice for the poor,

but the wicked have no such concern.

8Mockers stir up a city,

but the wise turn away anger.

9If a wise person goes to court with a fool,

the fool rages and scoffs, and there is no peace.

10The bloodthirsty hate a person of integrity

and seek to kill the upright.

11Fools give full vent to their rage,

but the wise bring calm in the end.

12If a ruler listens to lies,

all his officials become wicked.

13The poor and the oppressor have this in common:

The

Lord
gives sight to the eyes of both.

14If a king judges the poor with fairness,

his throne will be established forever.

15A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom,

but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.

16When the wicked thrive, so does sin,

but the righteous will see their downfall.

17Discipline your children, and they will give you peace;

they will bring you the delights you desire.

18Where there is no revelation, people cast off restraint;

but blessed is the one who heeds wisdom’s instruction.

19Servants cannot be corrected by mere words;

though they understand, they will not respond.

20Do you see someone who speaks in haste?

There is more hope for a fool than for them.

21A servant pampered from youth

will turn out to be insolent.

22An angry person stirs up conflict,

and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.

23Pride brings a person low,

but the lowly in spirit gain honor.

24The accomplices of thieves are their own enemies;

they are put under oath and dare not testify.

25Fear of man will prove to be a snare,

but whoever trusts in the

Lord
is kept safe.

26Many seek an audience with a ruler,

but it is from the

Lord
that one gets justice.

27The righteous detest the dishonest;

the wicked detest the upright.

9Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
10For,

“Whoever would love life

and see good days

must keep their tongue from evil

and their lips from deceitful speech.

11They must turn from evil and do good;

they must seek peace and pursue it.

12For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous

and his ears are attentive to their prayer,

but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

44
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
45
that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.
4Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

1Like snow in summer or rain in harvest,

honor is not fitting for a fool.

2Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow,

an undeserved curse does not come to rest.

3A whip for the horse, a bridle for the donkey,

and a rod for the backs of fools!

4Do not answer a fool according to his folly,

or you yourself will be just like him.

5Answer a fool according to his folly,

or he will be wise in his own eyes.

6Sending a message by the hands of a fool

is like cutting off one’s feet or drinking poison.

7Like the useless legs of one who is lame

is a proverb in the mouth of a fool.

8Like tying a stone in a sling

is the giving of honor to a fool.

9Like a thornbush in a drunkard’s hand

is a proverb in the mouth of a fool.

10Like an archer who wounds at random

is one who hires a fool or any passer-by.

11As a dog returns to its vomit,

so fools repeat their folly.

12Do you see a person wise in their own eyes?

There is more hope for a fool than for them.

13A sluggard says, “There’s a lion in the road,

a fierce lion roaming the streets!”

14As a door turns on its hinges,

so a sluggard turns on his bed.

15A sluggard buries his hand in the dish;

he is too lazy to bring it back to his mouth.

16A sluggard is wiser in his own eyes

than seven people who answer discreetly.

17Like one who grabs a stray dog by the ears

is someone who rushes into a quarrel not their own.

18Like a maniac shooting

flaming arrows of death

19is one who deceives their neighbor

and says, “I was only joking!”

20Without wood a fire goes out;

without a gossip a quarrel dies down.

21As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire,

so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife.

22The words of a gossip are like choice morsels;

they go down to the inmost parts.

23Like a coating of silver dross on earthenware

are fervent lips with an evil heart.

24Enemies disguise themselves with their lips,

but in their hearts they harbor deceit.

25Though their speech is charming, do not believe them,

for seven abominations fill their hearts.

26Their malice may be concealed by deception,

but their wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.

27Whoever digs a pit will fall into it;

if someone rolls a stone, it will roll back on them.

28A lying tongue hates those it hurts,

and a flattering mouth works ruin.

1The wise woman builds her house,

but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

2Whoever fears the

Lord
walks uprightly,

but those who despise him are devious in their ways.

3A fool’s mouth lashes out with pride,

but the lips of the wise protect them.

4Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty,

but from the strength of an ox come abundant harvests.

5An honest witness does not deceive,

but a false witness pours out lies.

6The mocker seeks wisdom and finds none,

but knowledge comes easily to the discerning.

7Stay away from a fool,

for you will not find knowledge on their lips.

8The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways,

but the folly of fools is deception.

9Fools mock at making amends for sin,

but goodwill is found among the upright.

10Each heart knows its own bitterness,

and no one else can share its joy.

11The house of the wicked will be destroyed,

but the tent of the upright will flourish.

12There is a way that appears to be right,

but in the end it leads to death.

13Even in laughter the heart may ache,

and rejoicing may end in grief.

14The faithless will be fully repaid for their ways,

and the good rewarded for theirs.

15The simple believe anything,

but the prudent give thought to their steps.

16The wise fear the

Lord
and shun evil,

but a fool is hotheaded and yet feels secure.

17A quick-tempered person does foolish things,

and the one who devises evil schemes is hated.

18The simple inherit folly,

but the prudent are crowned with knowledge.

19Evildoers will bow down in the presence of the good,

and the wicked at the gates of the righteous.

20The poor are shunned even by their neighbors,

but the rich have many friends.

21It is a sin to despise one’s neighbor,

but blessed is the one who is kind to the needy.

22Do not those who plot evil go astray?

But those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness.

23All hard work brings a profit,

but mere talk leads only to poverty.

24The wealth of the wise is their crown,

but the folly of fools yields folly.

25A truthful witness saves lives,

but a false witness is deceitful.

26Whoever fears the

Lord
has a secure fortress,

and for their children it will be a refuge.

27The fear of the

Lord
is a fountain of life,

turning a person from the snares of death.

28A large population is a king’s glory,

but without subjects a prince is ruined.

29Whoever is patient has great understanding,

but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.

30A heart at peace gives life to the body,

but envy rots the bones.

31Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker,

but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.

32When calamity comes, the wicked are brought down,

but even in death the righteous seek refuge in God.

33Wisdom reposes in the heart of the discerning

and even among fools she lets herself be known.

34Righteousness exalts a nation,

but sin condemns any people.

35A king delights in a wise servant,

but a shameful servant arouses his fury.

Proverbs of Solomon

1The proverbs of Solomon:

A wise son brings joy to his father,

but a foolish son brings grief to his mother.

2Ill-gotten treasures have no lasting value,

but righteousness delivers from death.

3The

Lord
does not let the righteous go hungry,

but he thwarts the craving of the wicked.

4Lazy hands make for poverty,

but diligent hands bring wealth.

5He who gathers crops in summer is a prudent son,

but he who sleeps during harvest is a disgraceful son.

6Blessings crown the head of the righteous,

but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.

7The name of the righteous is used in blessings,

but the name of the wicked will rot.

8The wise in heart accept commands,

but a chattering fool comes to ruin.

9Whoever walks in integrity walks securely,

but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.

10Whoever winks maliciously causes grief,

and a chattering fool comes to ruin.

11The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life,

but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.

12Hatred stirs up conflict,

but love covers over all wrongs.

13Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning,

but a rod is for the back of one who has no sense.

14The wise store up knowledge,

but the mouth of a fool invites ruin.

15The wealth of the rich is their fortified city,

but poverty is the ruin of the poor.

16The wages of the righteous is life,

but the earnings of the wicked are sin and death.

17Whoever heeds discipline shows the way to life,

but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.

18Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips

and spreads slander is a fool.

19Sin is not ended by multiplying words,

but the prudent hold their tongues.

20The tongue of the righteous is choice silver,

but the heart of the wicked is of little value.

21The lips of the righteous nourish many,

but fools die for lack of sense.

22The blessing of the

Lord
brings wealth,

without painful toil for it.

23A fool finds pleasure in wicked schemes,

but a person of understanding delights in wisdom.

24What the wicked dread will overtake them;

what the righteous desire will be granted.

25When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone,

but the righteous stand firm forever.

26As vinegar to the teeth and smoke to the eyes,

so are sluggards to those who send them.

27The fear of the

Lord
adds length to life,

but the years of the wicked are cut short.

28The prospect of the righteous is joy,

but the hopes of the wicked come to nothing.

29The way of the

Lord
is a refuge for the blameless,

but it is the ruin of those who do evil.

30The righteous will never be uprooted,

but the wicked will not remain in the land.

31From the mouth of the righteous comes the fruit of wisdom,

but a perverse tongue will be silenced.

32The lips of the righteous know what finds favor,

but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse.

1A gentle answer turns away wrath,

but a harsh word stirs up anger.

2The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge,

but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.

3The eyes of the

Lord
are everywhere,

keeping watch on the wicked and the good.

4The soothing tongue is a tree of life,

but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.

5A fool spurns a parent’s discipline,

but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.

6The house of the righteous contains great treasure,

but the income of the wicked brings ruin.

7The lips of the wise spread knowledge,

but the hearts of fools are not upright.

8The

Lord
detests the sacrifice of the wicked,

but the prayer of the upright pleases him.

9The

Lord
detests the way of the wicked,

but he loves those who pursue righteousness.

10Stern discipline awaits anyone who leaves the path;

the one who hates correction will die.

11Death and Destruction lie open before the

Lord

how much more do human hearts!

12Mockers resent correction,

so they avoid the wise.

13A happy heart makes the face cheerful,

but heartache crushes the spirit.

14The discerning heart seeks knowledge,

but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.

15All the days of the oppressed are wretched,

but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.

16Better a little with the fear of the

Lord

than great wealth with turmoil.

17Better a small serving of vegetables with love

than a fattened calf with hatred.

18A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict,

but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.

19The way of the sluggard is blocked with thorns,

but the path of the upright is a highway.

20A wise son brings joy to his father,

but a foolish man despises his mother.

21Folly brings joy to one who has no sense,

but whoever has understanding keeps a straight course.

22Plans fail for lack of counsel,

but with many advisers they succeed.

23A person finds joy in giving an apt reply—

and how good is a timely word!

24The path of life leads upward for the prudent

to keep them from going down to the realm of the dead.

25The

Lord
tears down the house of the proud,

but he sets the widow’s boundary stones in place.

26The

Lord
detests the thoughts of the wicked,

but gracious words are pure in his sight.

27The greedy bring ruin to their households,

but the one who hates bribes will live.

28The heart of the righteous weighs its answers,

but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.

29The

Lord
is far from the wicked,

but he hears the prayer of the righteous.

30Light in a messenger’s eyes brings joy to the heart,

and good news gives health to the bones.

31Whoever heeds life-giving correction

will be at home among the wise.

32Those who disregard discipline despise themselves,

but the one who heeds correction gains understanding.

33Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the

Lord
,

and humility comes before honor.

1In the

Lord
’s hand the king’s heart is a stream of water

that he channels toward all who please him.

2A person may think their own ways are right,

but the

Lord
weighs the heart.

3To do what is right and just

is more acceptable to the

Lord
than sacrifice.

4Haughty eyes and a proud heart—

the unplowed field of the wicked—produce sin.

5The plans of the diligent lead to profit

as surely as haste leads to poverty.

6A fortune made by a lying tongue

is a fleeting vapor and a deadly snare.

7The violence of the wicked will drag them away,

for they refuse to do what is right.

8The way of the guilty is devious,

but the conduct of the innocent is upright.

9Better to live on a corner of the roof

than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

10The wicked crave evil;

their neighbors get no mercy from them.

11When a mocker is punished, the simple gain wisdom;

by paying attention to the wise they get knowledge.

12The Righteous One takes note of the house of the wicked

and brings the wicked to ruin.

13Whoever shuts their ears to the cry of the poor

will also cry out and not be answered.

14A gift given in secret soothes anger,

and a bribe concealed in the cloak pacifies great wrath.

15When justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous

but terror to evildoers.

16Whoever strays from the path of prudence

comes to rest in the company of the dead.

17Whoever loves pleasure will become poor;

whoever loves wine and olive oil will never be rich.

18The wicked become a ransom for the righteous,

and the unfaithful for the upright.

19Better to live in a desert

than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

20The wise store up choice food and olive oil,

but fools gulp theirs down.

21Whoever pursues righteousness and love

finds life, prosperity and honor.

22One who is wise can go up against the city of the mighty

and pull down the stronghold in which they trust.

23Those who guard their mouths and their tongues

keep themselves from calamity.

24The proud and arrogant person—“Mocker” is his name—

behaves with insolent fury.

25The craving of a sluggard will be the death of him,

because his hands refuse to work.

26All day long he craves for more,

but the righteous give without sparing.

27The sacrifice of the wicked is detestable—

how much more so when brought with evil intent!

28A false witness will perish,

but a careful listener will testify successfully.

29The wicked put up a bold front,

but the upright give thought to their ways.

30There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan

that can succeed against the

Lord
.

31The horse is made ready for the day of battle,

but victory rests with the

Lord
.


Ben Stuart
Ben Stuart
Ben Stuart is the pastor of Passion City Church D.C. Prior to joining Passion City Church, Ben served as the executive director of Breakaway Ministries on the campus of Texas A&M. He also earned a master’s degree in historical theology from Dallas Theological Seminary. He and his wife, Donna, live to inspire and equip people to walk with God for a lifetime.