Single, Dating, Engaged, Married

This is an excerpt from Ben Stuart’s book Single, Dating, Engaged, Married. Paul stated in 1 Corinthians 7:8–9, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Now some of you hear that, and you think, If it’s more spiritual to be single, I don’t care. I fit squarely into the burning with passion category. I’m on fire, so bring on the spouse! Yet others of you hear this admonition and think, I really want to serve the Lord, and if it’s more spiritual to stay single the rest of my life, then I want to be open to that. So, we must answer this critical question: Is it more spiritual to be single than to be married? Let me address this question with a passage where Jesus spoke on the subject of singleness. Specifically, he addressed the plight of eunuchs. Without going into a great deal about what makes one a eunuch (feel free to ask your pastor), let’s just say they are those who are unable to have children. Addressing his disciples in Matthew 19:12, Jesus said, “For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men.” (That’s the most unfortunate group in this whole passage.) “And there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” For our purposes, let’s focus on the final group. Jesus identified that there are some who have chosen singleness for the sake of advancing the purposes of God. They have foregone marriage and children in order to devote more time and energy into advancing the purposes of God on earth. Some of you hear this and ask, “Is that supposed to be me? Am I supposed to do that? How will I know? I want to be married, but I also very much want to serve the Lord. Will those always be at odds?” Our answer comes one verse earlier: “He said to them, ‘Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.’” Some of you have been given singleness for a season, and, in due time, this season will pass. Sooner, for some of you, a little later for others. For some of you it will tarry for a while, but the God who has given you the gift of singleness will give you the grace to endure it. But some of you will be like Augustine or Origen, or Amy Carmichael, Mother Teresa, or the apostle Paul, or Jesus, and live your life unmarried. Let me encourage you: an unmarried life is not an unfulfilled life. You can have deep fulfillment and be unmarried. Others of you will be like the apostle Peter, or Jesus’ brothers, or me. God will give you somebody to marry, and you will get to live life with that person and it will be a great gift. The married apostle Peter and the single apostle Paul linked arms and made a difference for the kingdom, and, by the grace of God, we are meant to do the same. But whether your season of singleness is long or short, you can know that God has granted you this season as a gift, and it is a gift with a purpose: to pursue an undistracted devotion to him. All that is left is for you to ponder the question: What will that look like for me? This is an excerpt from Ben Stuart’s book, Single, Dating, Engaged, Married. Click here to grab a copy of this special resource.

This is an excerpt from Ben Stuart’s book Single, Dating, Engaged, Married. Picture your life as a race you are running. As a single person, you are charging toward the Lord. Devoted to him. Using your gifts, abilities, time, and influence to be a blessing to all people who are made in his image. As you are chasing after him, there will be all manner of people running as well, but in all manner of directions. Some will cross your path right in front of you. They may even be cute! But they are running in a totally different direction, pursuing things other than God. Maybe they’re pursuing money, happiness, fame, or acceptance. In which case you tell yourself, Hey, they’re cute, but I’m not going to try to grab hold of them. Their life is going one way and mine is going another. That’s not a good combination. This kind of evaluation means you are going to let a lot of cute, witty, charming people run right by you, because they are not pursuing the things of God! But when you are chasing the Lord, after a while you will look up and see people chasing him along with you. As you are running along with those people, you’re going to start talking to a few of them. You’re going to check them out. And it is okay to start running alongside one of them and see if you two have some chemistry. Do I like talking to you? Are you fun to be with? As this happens, you eventually find someone to run with for the rest of your life. What we are looking for is character and chemistry. You want someone with character. Not someone who simply acquiesces to the existence of a deity, but someone who passionately pursues God and the things of God. You want to be with a man or woman who possesses a deep, God-shaped character. Then you want to look for someone with whom you have chemistry. Someone you enjoy hanging out with. Someone you enjoy talking to. Someone with whom you click. Character and chemistry. You must have both. Some people only want chemistry. They meet someone they think is cute, is funny, and with whom they can talk for hours. But they bypass deep conversations about core values. Then they get married. That hot, fun, cool, cute couple gets together and then five, six, or seven years later, when they start to make big life decisions, they realize they have a very different set of values. Those marriages struggle and often come apart. Or, on the other end of the spectrum, you can find someone who has a deep, stalwart character but he or she is so boring that after five minutes you run out of things to say. You do not have to do this to yourself. You need both. You want solid, godly character and fun, easy chemistry. What you should not be looking for is someone to complete you. Dating is not about chasing a person in whose eyes we can find a sense of meaning and fulfillment. That is far too much weight to put on another human being. And that is not how we are built. You are not half of a person waiting for another half of a person to complete you. Jesus and the apostle Paul were not incomplete as singles, and neither are you. No human being will meet every need, solve every problem, heal every wound, or eradicate every insecurity. Those who put pressure on a friendship or a romantic relationship to provide that will always end up crushing the relationship. A relationship is not meant to carry that weight. But you can find someone who has great character and with whom you have great chemistry. Then you can run into the future God has for you together, and that is a pretty amazing ride. That is the vision we are aiming for in marriage: a couple hand in hand, pursuing God together—same direction, same pace, good chemistry. This is what marriage is meant to be. Dating is the modern process of evaluation we use to find that person to marry. This is no small shift in mindset. One of the great dangers in modern dating is the tendency to adopt a consumer mentality rather than a companion mentality. What I mean by this is that often when you ask someone what kind of person they’d like to date or marry, they begin to list a set of characteristics. “I want him to be tall, but not too tall. Handsome. Funny. Charming. Great job. Solid income. Sensitive but strong. Confident but also caring. And he should have six-pack abs.” Or, “I want her to be shorter than me with these specific measurements. She needs to know how to have a good time. She needs to be into sports, running, hiking, travel, saving money, and me.” But this mentality causes problems from the start. Do you hear what is happening when you do this? You are trying to customize your order to get what you think is best for you. This is exactly how you order a burger or curate your playlist. But this is not how you date. Why? Because we are looking for a person to love, not a product to consume. You are not constructing a robot from human parts. That is not honoring the image of God in the other. We all come as fully functioning human beings You cannot assemble one to meet your preferences. That would not be good for you anyway. You would still be a selfish person if you tried to do this. When you date another human, as you grow together you will encourage, challenge, and shape each other. You will have to adapt, change, and sacrifice during this process. The proper question should be, Could I build a life with this person? Could we journey down the road of life together? It may seem like a subtle shift in evaluative method, but I promise you being slightly off angle in the wrong direction at the beginning of your evaluation will put you in a very different place in ten years. The problem with a consumer mentality—looking for a person to complete you rather than a companion to run with—is that it creates a perfect recipe for disappointment and discouragement down the road. This is an excerpt from Ben Stuart’s book, Single, Dating, Engaged, Married. Click here to grab a copy of this special resource.

This is an excerpt from Ben Stuart’s book Single, Dating, Engaged, Married. How do you know you are ready to marry someone? An initial indicator is excitement! In the beginning of Song of Solomon, the two lovers’ excitement leaps from the page. The book begins with her provocative exclamation, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!” (1:2). When we meet this girl, we already know she desires this man. She essentially shouts to the world, “I want his mouth on my mouth!” Is it wrong to desire someone? NO! God designed attraction and this woman is unashamedly infatuated. She declares that his love is better than wine (v. 2). Wine was the drink of celebration. In the ancient world it was one of the most enjoyable things they could taste. It could make your insides feel warm and your head feel light. The way this man treats her elicits a similar response. Now a natural question to ask at this point would be: What has this man done to get this girl so dialed up? She declares in the next verse, “Your anointing oils are fragrant” (v. 3). She could just be saying that his cologne game is working for her. The Middle East is hot. People get sweaty. And back then they did not have frequent showers. So men would wear aromatic oils. But as the verse continues, you realize there is more going on here than his scent. She explains, “Your name is oil poured out” (v. 3). What does that mean? The poetry of the statement is brilliant. Scent is our sense most tied to memory. It also provokes a response. If you love the scent of something, you move closer. You breathe out, “Mmm.” You respond. Likewise, if something stinks, you pull away. You might even wrinkle up your nose as an attempt to retreat from the odor. You don’t map out these responses. They are just instinctive and undeniable. The names of people are the same way. When someone’s name is spoken, you have an instinctual response. What are you responding to? What instantly comes to mind for you is not even so much the memory of that person, but a feeling you get as you consider that person’s attributes. When I say, “Hitler,” you are very likely to recoil. Do you think about any of his speeches? No. You are just reacting to a general impression you have based on his character. When the Shulammite hears this man’s name, she thinks of his reputation; she sees his character. Images flash into her mind of his kindness. His presence is pleasant. Ladies, what should draw you to a man? His character. His looks will fade. His hairline will recede. His nose and earlobes will continue to grow. His rear will oddly shrivel up. Don’t base your romantic relationships on looks. That is the area that will the most assuredly fade. Is the guy you are attracted to impatient? Is he a bad listener? Is he selfish with his money? Do you think he will suddenly become a scent of sweetness when you get older? That is unlikely. Proverbs 22:1 says, “A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold” (NIV). Marry character. Let that be what turns you on. Are you unsure of how to identify character? Then get some quality voices around you. In the Song of Solomon, four voices speak: God, the man, the woman, and the woman’s friends. Why? Because that is how it always is, boys. If you want to win the girl, you’ve got to win the stamp of approval from her squad. The first time I asked my future wife, Donna, on a date, she asked me to pick her up at her church. When I arrived, I was greeted by no less than one hundred people. She worked with the youth and they had been leading an event for high school students. Over the next hour I met every man and woman, young and old, that worked on staff or as a volunteer at that church. I discovered later this was by design. Before she ever got in a car with me, even though we had talked several times before, she wanted her community to have an opportunity to evaluate me. Wise woman. The Shulammite from Song of Solomon does the same. She wants her friends to evaluate this man. They concur with her assessment of him in the following verse: “We will exult and rejoice in you; we will extol your love more than wine; rightly do they love you” (1:4). What they are essentially saying to their friend is, “He is a worthy person upon which to set your affections. Your affections are rightly placed.” Godly love has excitement, but it is excitement stirred by character. Thank God Donna did not just marry me because she thought I was attractive. A few years into our marriage I injured my back. During recovery from surgery I gained more than thirty pounds, and not a single pound of it was muscle! Later, when I reinjured my back, I lost fifty pounds and became sickly thin. If she was only into looks, I would have been in trouble. We are happily married because she was drawn to character, and because she possesses character as well. Don’t settle for less. But character alone is not enough. The couple in Song of Solomon is also stirred by one another’s kindness. In chapter 2 we see the man’s excitement. The Shulammite​ declares, “Behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, there he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, looking through the lattice” (Song of Solomon 2: 8–9). Notice: he is not walking to her house. He is bounding like a gazelle and radiating masculinity like a young stag. No mountain can obstruct him. Nothing will deter him from reaching his beloved! And when he arrives he searches anxiously to get a glimpse of her. Why is he so fired up? In verse 10 he speaks, saying to her, “Arise, my love, my beautiful one.” The Hebrew word we translate “love” from here is the word rayahti. Used throughout the Old Testament, the word is variously translated, “neighbor”, “companion,” or “friend.” Yes, he is attracted to her physically, referring to her as a beautiful one. But nine times throughout this short book he chooses to call her “friend.” She refers to him throughout the text as dodi, translated here as “beloved.” It carries a similar idea of someone cherished. What this means is that they are drawn to one another’s character, but they are also knit closer and closer together by their continued kindness and friendship. They simply enjoy being with one another. I have sat through several meals with couples where both the man and woman were physically attractive, and at least one of them wealthy. But within minutes it became painfully apparent they did not seem to connect at a relational level very well. They talked over one another, misunderstood each other, or annoyed and simply tolerated one another. I have even sat with couples who outwardly criticize each other. I can’t imagine continuing down the road toward marriage with someone I did not feel a sense of kinship and goodwill. Putting on a ring will not suddenly make a person kind, sensitive, or interesting. But the years will take his or her looks. How do you know you’re meant to be with an engagement case study someone? There is an ease to it, you want to be together, and communication does not feel like an obligation. The other person is your friend. But it is not only about enjoying your beloved’s company, it is also about being improved by his or her company. This is an excerpt from Ben Stuart’s book, Single, Dating, Engaged, Married. Click here to grab a copy of this special resource.

This is an excerpt from Ben Stuart’s book Single, Dating, Engaged, Married. — We first see God’s design for marriage in Genesis 2. As God fashioned all of creation, he declared seven times that “it is good.” But, then, in verse 18 we get our first “not good.” God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” The animals were already there with Adam, but let’s be honest, there is a big difference between watching a sunset with a beautiful woman and watching it with a cocker spaniel. More than that, God did not intend for man to simply be a cul-de-sac for God’s love and grace. Man is meant to be a conduit of love and grace flowing into relationships. God fashioned from the side of Adam what Genesis calls “a helper suitable for him” (2:18 NASB). One that was a good fit. What 1 Peter calls “a fellow heir of the grace of life” (3:7 NASB). Different from each other, yet made to fit together. Physically (obviously), but also spiritually and emotionally. God designs husbands and wives to complement each other—to fit together in a way that brings joy to them both. God designed marriage for our delight. As God walked Eve to Adam, the man spontaneously broke out in rhyme. And the curtain closes on Genesis 2 with a man and woman completely vulnerable with each other and completely at peace. This is the design of marriage. It is a good gift from God. When we engage marriage in accordance with God’s design, there is safety and delight, and we flourish. Some may ask, “Wait, don’t Christians get divorced as often as non-Christians do? Why would I take the ‘Christian’ way of marrying seriously if it does not seem to work?” W. Bradford Wilcox, a leading sociologist at the University of Virginia and the director of the National Marriage Project, created a separate category in his research for those he refers to as “Active Conservative Protestants.” Active meaning that they are involved in a local church. Conservative does not mean politically, but theologically. In short, they believe the Bible is the Word of God. Protestants meaning that they believe we are saved from our sin by the grace of God available in Jesus Christ. His research indicates that Active Conservative Protestants are 35 percent less likely to divorce than their counterparts. In short, those who depend upon the grace of God and take his Word seriously have considerably stronger marriages. It is wise to listen to the Creator’s intent for marriage. People who walk through marriage in accordance with God’s design find that his ways work. What is even more exciting is that God designed this institution with a great end goal in mind. Marriage is not just designed by God; it is meant to display something about God. When Paul quoted the passage in Genesis 2 about God taking the two, male and female, and making them into one flesh, he called it a mystery. By this, he did not mean it was something confusing or hard to understand. He meant that something was previously hidden and it has now been revealed. What is revealed is that this unity of diversity of male and female is meant to be a testimony to the world about God. It is showing people the nature of how Jesus Christ, the Son of God, wants to unite with his people, the church. Marriage is not just for our joy but it is also a metaphor, parable, or symbol of something great and universal and eternal—the union of Christ with his bride. As we step into this marriage bond we become a living picture of God’s wonderful union with his people. Our unity tells a bigger story. God is saying something to the world about his love for humanity in the way a husband and wife relate to each other. The love of a husband for his wife displays to the world the love Christ has for his church. The love of a wife for her husband communicates to the world how the people of God respond to Jesus. This is an excerpt from Ben Stuart’s book, Single, Dating, Engaged, Married. Click here to grab a copy of this special resource.

What if your singleness isn’t a problem to solve or a hurdle to clear? What if this time in your life could be purposeful and profound?

How do you find the right person, in the right way? Gain wisdom about the kind of person you choose to spend your life with through this 4-day study.

Continuing our collection Single, Dating, Engaged, Married, Ben Stuart challenges the way dating is viewed in our culture today and gives us 7 things to consider in the dating process.

Unpack the true mission of marriage and reset your beliefs in its purpose.

Kicking off our new collection, Single, Dating, Engaged, Married, Ben Stuart dives into what scripture says about singleness. We see that there is a purpose in the season of singleness, and we have to get a relationship with God right before we can get a relationship with a guy or girl. Ben reminds us not to miss the benefits of the season we are in because we are pining away for the benefits of another season.

Ben Stuart continues our collection on relationships with a message about dating. It is not a status we sit in — it is a process we walk through! Dating exists for the purpose of evaluating whether or not you are supposed to run alongside a person for the rest of your life. In the process of evaluation, Ben Stuart challenges us to consider how we view dating: do we look at it with a consumer mentality or a companion mentality?

How do you know that you’ve met the person you’re supposed to spend your life with? What are things we should see in a relationship that give us this confidence? Continuing our Single, Dating, Engaged, Married collection, Ben Stuart gives us specific things to look for as you evaluate whether or not a relationship should continue on to engagement

Continuing our Single, Dating, Engaged, Married collection, Ben Stuart teaches on marriage, and reminds us that marriage was designed by God to display something about God!