There is an abundance of advice on the internet, benefiting readers who are walking a friend, relative, or immediate family member through the stages of grief. The advice tends to go as follows:
Be present without feeling the need to speak and share.
Ask questions before you make assumptions.
Understand the grieving process.
Don’t minimize pain.
Avoid religious jargon.
Allow and encourage emotions.
Offer practical help.
Don’t compare your experience with someone else’s.
Etc.
This is excellent, practical, and helpful advice. These recommendations, if followed, will enable you to care deeply for your friend who is grieving. Since advice like this is readily available, I want to guide us in a slightly different direction, through this article, in order to fulfill a potential need in the Church and in your life. Here is a guide to walking your friend through grief. Mark these moments on your calendar, set the reminder, and be present to love your friend like Jesus.
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2
Three Essentials:
Before you approach your friend, please consider these three essential, preliminary thoughts.
I cannot overemphasize enough the power that is possessed and wielded by a righteous person, walking in the way of our King (James 5:16). It could go without saying that intercession on behalf of your friend should infuse every action that is directed toward your friend in solidarity; however, I want to say this to you. For the love of your friend, call on heaven on their behalf. The most important step you can take to care for your friend is to contend before an Almighty God.
It is important to note that not everyone grieves in the same way or with the same needs. For one, an outing oriented around having fun may be life-giving. For others, this may be a form of distraction. In some cases, your physical presence is healthy and protective; in others, it might be unappreciated. Take the following thoughts as general guidelines, suggestions even, for how you can care for your friend in this season. However, it is your friend you are caring for, which might mean there is no one who knows them as well as you. Trust your judgment, and I pray these suggestions will serve you as you serve your friend.
It is also crucial to point out that the goal of caring for your friend is not to get them over their loss. The goal is to care. The goal is to walk with them. The goal is that your friend, no matter the extent of their emotional trauma and expression of pain, would never be able to say they felt alone in their journey.
Immediate Encouragement
When you hear news of loss, respond with immediate action. If you can be present and it's appropriate for you to be present, go and sit with your friend. Try your best to simply be with your friend. They will remember your presence before they ever remember your words. If you cannot be present for your friend, send something endearing (flowers, a warm meal, etc.) to let them know you are thinking of them.
Simple Love
Depending on the approachability of your friend (how many visitors they are receiving versus how isolated they are in their loss), aim to gauge the best way to be helpful and the least burdensome. Offer to run errands, fulfill tasks around their home, and help with any of the challenging details that come with loss. Send texts, prayers, worship music, or scripture to let them know you are thinking of them.
When the Dust Settles
Oftentimes, the most difficult phase of grief is after all the dust has settled. Family has returned home, the chaos of change has lessened, and life returns to a new normal. This is when those who are hurting tend to stop hearing from their friends and family. If you wish to show your friend how much you care for them, this period of time will be crucial.
Just over a year ago, a close friend of mine lost his dad unexpectedly. It meant a great deal to him that our friend group showed up to the funeral, but what has helped to carry him beyond these initial stages–and honestly help me grow tremendously–is a daily text thread where we read through scripture, share our observations and applications from the text, and pray for each other. This may be an idea you could introduce to your friend who might be carrying a similar hurt.
If you live in close proximity to your friend, it might be helpful during this time to invite them out to coffee or to a meal. While together, gauge the needs of your friend and, if they seem receptive, ask them lots of questions about their loss, how they are handling this “new normal,” and invite them to share memories. Do not be surprised if this time is very challenging for your friend. However, know that it is one of the healthiest forms of coping, processing, and grieving.
Experiencing Firsts
This stage of grief is when people begin to experience “firsts”: the first holiday, a first birthday, anniversary, or significant date since their loss. Mark your calendar with the significant dates that you know your friend might experience heaviness or heartache. Remembering these moments and dates may not help your friend feel better per se, but it will help them feel seen.
The Anniversary
What is almost guaranteed to be weighty is the anniversary of your friend’s loss. This date will likely stand as a dark, approaching day on their calendar. Again, what your friend will need on days like these is not distraction, but presence. Be thoughtful in how you might be able to show up for your friend on this day. Send flowers, a meal, a memory, a picture, or a long message of encouragement.
An Encouragement
I really believe that, if you consider these reminders as you serve as a burden-carrying, servant-hearted caretaker to your friend, they will sense the tangible, compassionate presence of Jesus. However, as you embrace the seemingly impossible responsibility of caring for a friend in the heaviest of seasons, I want to leave you with an encouraging message that will help you embrace your role as a comforter on behalf of God.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
There is so much to be gleaned from a text like this but I want you to focus on this all-encompassing truth: the God you know, serve, and love, the God who spoke the world into existence and will make all things new, the God who knows your story and your friend’s fully, this God wants to be known by those who seek Him as “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.” What a truth. What a gift. What a breath of fresh air to anyone hoping to serve as a conduit for that kind of sympathy. As you take a step toward loving your friend, rest in the fact that our universe and your friend are both created by and sustained by the Lord, whose very identity is marked by sensitivity and understanding.
