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Dating is not a status we sit in—it is a process we walk through. This process exists to help you evaluate one of the biggest decisions you may ever make in your life: whether or not someone is a good fit to commit your life to. Ben Stuart challenges us to start with finding the right person in the right way.
Through this 4-day track, Ben highlights how we can potentially meet the right person, how we can shift our mindset from a consumer mentality in dating to setting realistic expectations, how our allegiance determines our values, and he helps identify the characteristics we can look for when dating someone.
We hope that at the conclusion of these four days, you will feel more comfortable and confident in your decision-making in the dating process and that you will gain wisdom about the kind of person you choose to spend your life with.
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02.11.2024
About this track
Dating is not a status we sit in—it is a process we walk through. This process exists to help you evaluate one of the biggest decisions you may ever make in your life: whether or not someone is a good fit to commit your life to. Ben Stuart challenges us to start with finding the right person in the right way.
Through this 4-day track, Ben highlights how we can potentially meet the right person, how we can shift our mindset from a consumer mentality in dating to setting realistic expectations, how our allegiance determines our values, and he helps identify the characteristics we can look for when dating someone.
We hope that at the conclusion of these four days, you will feel more comfortable and confident in your decision-making in the dating process and that you will gain wisdom about the kind of person you choose to spend your life with.
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Who to Date
4-day track with Ben Stuart
Day 02
Locked
What Is This Built On?
Day 03
Locked
What Are You Running After?
Day 04
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Godly Character and Good Chemistry
Before we can talk about dating, we need to survey the data.
This generation of single and dating adults is taking their time when it comes to marriage, saying “I Do” later in life compared to the couples coming before it. While the reasoning behind waiting can be debated, it doesn’t take a dating expert to know fear is rising.
Fear of divorce.
Fear of messing marriage up.
Fear of marriage messing you up.
Fear of people.
Maybe in an attempt to guard against our fears, we have built a proverbial wall around us and are left wondering why no one is attempting to scale it.
Or maybe you read this with a different perspective, wanting to yell at the screen as you read, “That’s not me! I am healthy, love the Lord, and want to get married! How do I find the right person?”
Rather than inundate you with best practices or tell you how to get a date, we hope to equip you to journey through this season well.
Wherever you are in the tumultuous seas of relationships, there are fixed realities in the universe about who God is, how He made the world, and how we’re supposed to treat one another. If we can grow to understand those, we can navigate the seas of dating, no matter how rough they may seem, fixed on the one true guide to lead us.
Let’s get started.
Video
Summary
Do you remember that elementary school chant your classmates would break out in when they found out you had a crush?
“First comes love, then comes marriage…” You want to finish the song, right?
If we could edit the melodic lyrics that frame those playground taunts, it would go something like this: first comes devotion, then evaluation…
Singleness is for devotion, and dating is for evaluation.
Before we can link arms and run with someone, we need to know what we are chasing after, which is why we evaluate. As Paul writes, we are to “press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14)
You were made to know God, and being in right relationship with Him is the lead story of your life. Before you can get a relationship with someone else right, you must ensure your relationship with God is right.
As we chase after God, aiming our lives in pursuit of Him, we will find ourselves in lockstep with others running the same race. Those runners may be mentors, colleagues, friends, or a future spouse.
Your pace after the things of heaven shouldn’t change because of comparison or a desire to have what someone else has. God has marked your race for you, and when you are faithful to that process, you may find yourself in stride with someone you’d like to run alongside. Don’t stop running; evaluate as you do.
In that evaluation process, you are asking and answering two questions:
- Who? – Who do I date, and what qualities should that person have?
- How? – How will I know if they are the one I will run through life with?
While scripture may seem silent on the modern dating structure, it is not silent on the process of evaluating. Look at what the proverbs say.
“It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman”
Proverbs 25:24 NASB
“A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.”
Proverbs 25:28
So, how do you meet the right person in the right way? We evaluate.
Dating is not a status to dwell in but a process to move through. It is a series of actions meant to lead us to a particular end—discerning whether or not we are meant to marry a particular person. Dating exists for evaluation.
What's Next?
Just bringing up the word “dating” probably elicits emotions in you. It could be frustration and fear or hope and excitement. Wherever you find yourself on that spectrum, we believe there is a reason to have hope. Not a fleeting “will this go anywhere?” hope, but an everlasting confidence found in the person of Jesus. We have a good Father who gives good gifts. Rest in that.
We are a consumer-minded culture. It doesn’t take more than three swipes on your social platform of choice to see that someone is always trying to sell you something. The latest product, the next best thing–we are riddled with wants and provided with a constant means to meet them.
If we aren’t careful, the same mentality infects our dating culture. We stop looking for a person and start building a perfect product.
What is the danger of this kind of dating? How do we flip the switch for the better?
Let’s get started.
Video
Summary
Dating is about looking for a person to love and not a product to consume. You may read that sentence and find the implications obvious, but we challenge you to consider your perspective. When it comes to dating, do your desires for a certain “type” lead the way?
You want him to be tall, but not too tall. Handsome. Funny. Charming. Great job. Solid income. Sensitive but strong. Confident but also caring. And with six-pack abs.
You want her to be shorter than you with these specific measurements. She needs to know how to have a good time. She needs to be into sports, running, hiking, traveling, saving money, and you.
This mentality, however, has two fatal flaws.
- Dating like a consumer creates unrealistic expectations.
- Dating like a consumer is based on the assumption that we know what we want.
God assembles people; we do not. When our dating life is built on a wishlist of wants rather than a Godly set of standards, we start to see dating relationships as transactional.
Think of your next relationship as a house. You can pick the paint colors, assemble the furniture, and send out invitations to have people over—but if that house is not built on a steady foundation, it will never stand the test of time.
What is it you are really looking for in a future spouse? Is it more than skin deep?
Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
Are you flirting with what’s fleeting?
Peter tells us in 1 Peter 3:7 that marriage is made up of co-heirs in the grace of life. Consider that for a moment.
- Women, does he sharpen you? When everything falls apart, does he point you back to the things of God? Does he value your purity?
- Men, does she sharpen you? Is her heart set on the things of God? Is being in proximity to her pushing you closer to Jesus or pulling you further away?
What is worth really looking for?
Character. Integrity. Kindness. Honesty. Compassion. Not a savior or a servant, but a companion. These are the attributes we should be focused on finding.
What's Next?
Did you know the longest chapter in the book of Genesis is about Abraham finding a wife for his son Isaac? Let that sink in for a moment. It’s not creation or the origin of evil or genealogies that occupy the most space; it’s the pursuit of a spouse.
God cares about your longing to be married.
As we settle into the story of Abraham finding a wife for his son, we discover practical truths that can help shape our pursuit of a spouse for the better.
Let’s get started.
Video
Summary
Abraham was now very old, and the Lord had blessed him in every way. He said to the senior servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, “Put your hand under my thigh. I want you to swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac.
Genesis 24:1-4
It was common for the Father to lead the charge in finding a wife in this day, and in this passage of scripture, we see Abraham give his servant some pointed instruction.
Abraham knew that the people he lived among had no allegiance to the God he loved and the faith he followed. It was of the utmost importance to Abrabram to set his son up with someone who knew and followed the one true God; He was determined to link his son’s life with someone with a heavenly allegiance.
A.W. Tozer said, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.”
What you believe about God determines what you value, and what you value determines what you will chase. If you are considering linking up your life with someone, resolve first where they are going.
2 Corinthians 6:14-15 says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?”
Different goals. Different beliefs. Different direction.
As we evaluate someone we are considering dating, we should ask:
- What are they chasing after in life?
- What are their goals?
Pay close attention to what they are pursuing.
There is value in variety, but bind yourself with someone running after the same cause, in the same direction, at the same pace.
As a believer, you live by faith, in lockstep allegiance to the things of God (more on that tomorrow). It doesn’t mean you are striving for perfection, but it does mean that in your obedience to him, you follow Him and honor what He says in all things.
Paul’s call here is not to abandon everyone with no allegiance to God but to caution us in building our lives with an unbeliever in marriage.
We believe there are two results of a relationship like this:
- You will abandon what you believe out of allegiance
- You will continue in different directions with no destination in sight
As a believer, you are heaven-bound, running a race after the things of God. You want to link hands with someone running after the same goal, not forcing a connection between two people who ultimately desire different things in their cores.
As you run your race after the things of God, you may find that others will run right by you. Don’t change your pace or reroute your direction – run your race.
What's Next?
God cares about your longing to be married. Take a moment to thank God that He has a plan for you and surrender your doubts to Him. He is in control.
Over the course of the past three days, we have uncovered the truth about who God is and what it is we should be pursuing as we date.
As we have navigated through what dating is for and what a race after the things of God looks like as you pursue marriage, we find ourselves asking a final question: how do I know what to look for practically? And does that unicorn of a person even exist?
Let’s get started.
Video
Summary
In the Greek, the word for “character” is “χαράσσω,” meaning to etch.
Think of God as a careful artist, chisel in hand, making you more like Him. He’s sculpting the hard edges and chipping away what doesn’t bear His name. Every day, as we follow Him, He is etching us more and more in His image.
It’s a beautiful illustration to behold.
Regarding our character being shaped by God, we are not passive in the process. We are not stand-still statues wincing at every chip off the block. We are active participants, submitted to the divine artist and allowing Him to mirror His image in us.
As you begin evaluating your date, ask: is their character shaped by God?
The question is not, “Do they have a bible?” or “Do they go to church?” Rather, are they submitted to the process of becoming more like Christ every day?
Date someone who is faithful to God and a good fit for you. That is where chemistry comes in!
There are four components to chemistry that we can evaluate.
- Theologically compatible: What do you believe about God? What are your personal belief systems? What are your convictions?
- Socially compatible: Do you get along? Do they compliment you? Are you sharpening one another?
- Vocationally compatible: Are your lives headed in the same direction? Where do you want to go?
- Physically compatible: Am I attracted to you?
As our time together in this track comes to a close, you may read all the content above about godly character, good chemistry, and finding someone chasing after the same cause of life as you and ask, “Is that person really out there?”
While we can’t answer that definitively, we want to encourage you to make a move. Wherever you are plugged into your community of faith, chase after that cause fully. Journey together and run after the things of the Lord, involved in a community chasing after God’s cause.
You can trust that God, who loves you and holds the whole world in the palm of his hand, has good plans for you. He doesn’t just care about who you will spend your future with; he cares for you now in the present.
As Ben said, “In the end, the happiest people are not those who are actively seeking a mate, but those who are actively seeking their Maker.”
What's Next?
Next Day
Track Topics
Scripture References
- Philippians 3:14
- Proverbs 25:24
- Proverbs 25:28
- Proverbs 31:30
- 1 Peter 3:7
- Genesis 24:1-4
- 2 Corinthians 6:14-15
Ben Stuart Ben Stuart is the pastor of Passion City Church D.C. Prior to joining Passion City Church, Ben served as the executive director of Breakaway Ministries on the campus of Texas A&M. He also earned a master’s degree in historical theology from Dallas Theological Seminary. He and his wife, Donna, live to inspire and equip people to walk with God for a lifetime.
Day 02
Locked
Clarity is A Kindness
Day 03
Locked
The Confusion Around Coupling
Day 04
Locked
Stop Dating in Isolation
Day 05
Locked
Are You Meant to Be Together?
Day 02
Locked
Does the Bible Really Say a Wife Should Submit?
Day 03
Locked
God’s Instruction for the Husband
Day 04
Locked
A Man Worth Following
Day 02
Locked
The Reason You Are Single
Day 03
Locked
Distracted Devotion
Day 04
Locked
Do You Trust God?
Day 02
Locked
Clarity is A Kindness
Day 03
Locked
The Confusion Around Coupling
Day 04
Locked
Stop Dating in Isolation
Day 05
Locked
Are You Meant to Be Together?
Day 02
Locked
Does the Bible Really Say a Wife Should Submit?
Day 03
Locked
God’s Instruction for the Husband
Day 04
Locked
A Man Worth Following
Day 02
Locked
The Reason You Are Single
Day 03
Locked
Distracted Devotion
Day 04
Locked
Do You Trust God?