Things have gotten more complicated since Adam and Eve and the book of Genesis.

The rules of courtship have dissolved and have been replaced by ambiguity and uncertainty. Social media and texting have given people access to hundreds of friends but have increased fluidity, drama, and anxiety; the process of dating more often being described as stressful and depressing. 

The desire to pair off is good, and Ben Stuart reminds us that this longing has existed since the beginning of creation. But more than we desire to be in a relationship, we should desire the right relationship. Deciding who to spend the rest of your life with is arguably one of the biggest decisions in your life, and we must not treat it as a flippant decision. 

As we delve deeper into the dating and evaluation process, we hone in on what should be our ultimate desire: God’s plans and purposes for our lives. 

“Dating is not a status to sit in; it is a process we move through.”

Ben Stuart reminds us that we aren’t looking for a soulmate; we’re evaluating if we’re meant to link arms with someone else on the journey to glorify God and run toward Him together. We want to look for someone who we can face the hard times with. The seas of life may be tumultuous, but there are principles we can navigate by if we choose a person who follows these same principles.

Many of us get into relationships trying to impress the other person, but Ben reminds us that our confidence in God takes the desperation out of dating. We can stand firm, knowing that our purpose is outside our relationship status.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

We can take the pressure off ourselves and work to trust God with our entire lives, even our dating lives. God doesn’t need us to show up to every event with the intention of meeting someone, and He isn’t worried about whether or not we will miss our future spouse if we take the next train. He is Alpha and Omega, and He already knows what will come. It isn’t on us, and fear has no place here.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
1 John 4:18 ESV

“Lack of clarity produces anxiety.”

There is no place for lying, deceit, or being vague in dating. We’re going to speak the truth with love with a redemptive goal. 

Some of us have been deceived into thinking it’s nicer to ghost someone or leave someone hanging rather than being straightforward with how we feel. But when we look at the book of Proverbs, we see the opposite is true.

An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.
Proverbs 24:26

It takes courage to be honest with our feelings; dating requires courage, initiation, and clarity. There are three important ways that we can give clarity to our relationships:

1. Clarity in initiation. When thinking of asking someone on a date, it should be in person, and the intentions should be clear. We don’t want to lead someone astray by being vague about the time we want to spend with another person—if it’s a date, call it a date.
2. Clarity in the process. Let the person know how you’re feeling in the process. If you go on a date, let them know if you will call or if there will be another one if they’re open to it.
3. Clarity in the exit. It’s always helpful to give someone an out. Even though you may be feeling it, it doesn’t mean the other person is, and your confidence in the Lord will keep the fear of rejection at bay. 1 Corinthians 14:33 reads, “God is not a God of confusion but of peace.” We want to keep people from being confused and act as Jesus, “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14). It’s also important to communicate your feelings if you’re not into it. Don’t freeze someone out and never respond to their texts. Even if it’s awkward, give them the courtesy of a response.

We only have so much time on this earth, and we have the opportunity to be clear about the process and careful not to waste anyone’s time.

Dating is not a status you secure to feel safe in; it is proximity for the purpose of evaluating.

Many of us feel the tension of autonomy in dating. We have expectations of what a relationship should look like, and we get frustrated when those expectations aren’t met. Ben reminds us, however, that as we date, we are looking to evaluate the other person, not rule over them. 

Until we commit to forever with another person in the covenant of marriage, we’re meant to live completely separate lives from each other. There is no allegiance to each other until then, and we don’t own the other person in this process.

We don’t want to mesh our lives with someone else until we know someone is worthy of all of us and until someone has the full weight of responsibility for us.  

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.
1 Corinthians 6:15-18

Though there is a tension between wanting to give ourselves fully to the person we love and there is a natural desire for allegiance, both are meant to propel us through the process. We aren’t meant to languish in ambiguity; we are meant to get to know someone, create a friendship with them, and evaluate if they’re who we want to bind our lives to forever. 

1. Date graciously. Graciousness shouldn’t just be extended to the people we’re dating but to everyone: believer or unbeliever. Being kind to everyone isn’t just a nice sentiment meant to decorate the walls of your home; it’s a fruit of the spirit. How we treat others matters, and our allegiance to God should catalyze our kindness. Evaluating if you have been kind in previous relationships may be helpful. Were the people you dated better before you, or did we cause them immense strife and confusion? Was their relationship with Christ better after knowing us? When things ended, did you provide clarity? Our aim is for us to leave people better than we found them. Graciousness, kindness, and courtesy are attractive.
2. Date in community.
   There is a temptation when we start dating to pair off early and evaluate in isolation, trusting our own judgment alone rather than inviting people we trust into the process. The danger of our own isolated judgment is that it is often clouded by intense infatuation, which throws off our ability to make sound decisions. You need wise people around you who are walking closely with you, that you trust, to make judgments about your relationships, and the only way that happens is through proximity to community.

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As we date graciously and in community, we can trust that God is in control, and He is just as invested, if not more, in your love life because cares for you. You aren’t meant to take this journey alone.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
|1 Peter 5:7

Date patiently, and trust the Lord. Believe that He is carrying your relationship together.

As you’re holding off your life with some autonomy and that tension is created, you’re giving yourself the space to evaluate if you’re meant to be together. This isn’t the time to be hasty; it’s the time to be observant. As Ben mentions, some people’s sins go before them, and it’s obvious; others follow after.

Maybe you’re like Ben. You feel overwhelmed with constant communication, and in your commitment to purity, you don’t want to get confused with the physicality of your relationship. Maybe it’s time to write letters like he did or make space in your week to call the person you’re dating.

This process is meant to guide you to understand if you’re dating a person because you like interacting with them at an emotional or intellectual level or if you’re just lonely. You can make sound decisions when you remove distractions, like texting all day or getting physical with your partner.

The goal in all of this is for us to find someone greater than the sacrifice of our autonomy and singleness. We want to find the person we’re willing to we want to run through life with in sickness and health and in the highs and lows. Our aim should be to go as slow as we must and as fast as we can and to evaluate if we’re meant to grab hands and run together.

After that is established, there is no time to waste. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust that He will put you with the right person in the right way and at the right time.

Whether we you up as friends, neighbors, or lovers, be intentional to journey together in a way that both of you flourish because you all walk together after Jesus.