How to Talk to Your Kids About Including Others

Children often lean towards exclusivity at different stages and for various reasons. It starts with preschoolers saying who can or can’t sit with them at their little tables; then, it becomes playground clubs in elementary school. Middle and high school can bring a constant pull to jockey for position, to be invited to the event, or to be added to the group chat. 

As parents entrusted with pointing their children in the way of Jesus, we want to call them to more. We want to cultivate includers. 

Most exclusion is rooted in insecurity, and a scarcity mindset, a feeling as if there is a finite and tenuous amount of space in a friend group, and one more person added might jeopardize someone else’s spot. As believers, though, we know that the way of Jesus is not one of insecurity and scarcity; the way of Jesus is one of abundant love and a firm foundation.

Therefore, be imitators of God, as dearly loved children, and walk in love, as Christ also loved us and gave himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God.

Ephesians 5:1-2 (CSB)

Dallas Willard defines love as “the genuine inner readiness and longing to secure the good of others.” Here are a few ways we can cultivate a spirit of inclusion in our children, encouraging them toward the way of love: 

1. Remind our children of their belovedness. They are not adrift in the “social sea,” tossed back and forth by the whims of other children. They are beloved children of God, anchored in the hope of the gospel and the presence of their King. They are fearfully and wonderfully made, with an identity and future determined by the God who loves them more than they can imagine. They can have the confidence to be kind and include a friend. 
2. Encourage our children to keep their eyes up. While our children’s natural gaze might trend more toward themselves, we can encourage them towards empathy, looking up and out for who needs to be included. This can look like a simple invitation to hang out or asking someone what they did that weekend. If your child is the one feeling left out, they may also need to be encouraged to look around. They are likely not alone. Children’s relationships can be fluid. Disruption in friendship with one child may create an opportunity to get to know a new friend.
3. Make home a safe harbor. Hard seasons in friendships might be the time to choose your parenting battles wisely. Our children are encountering a whole world outside our four walls. They might just need to come home to safe acceptance and grace.

Parents, remember we are not parenting alone as we help our children navigate these growing-up years. Not only do you have the community of our church family, but our Heavenly Father is with us and will give us everything we need to raise our children. James 1:5 (NIV) tells us that when seeking wisdom, we should “ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” We can anchor in the beautiful truth from 1 Thessalonians 5:24 (ESV) that “He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.”